Being Yourself Post Divorce
Let's face it, being yourself when you are married is quite tough but being yourself post-divorce can be harder.
Think back to when you were still married. Ask yourself this question,
‘When did I do something truly for myself, something with only me in mind and just for my pleasure?'
How often did you have the in-laws around for Sunday lunch, when all you wanted to do was put your feet up and watch the match? Or how often did you pick the holiday you wanted to go on or the new piece of art for the wall? Did you ever own the car of your dreams? The one you wanted, not the one that your wife wanted. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.
To be honest with yourself it was probably a long time ago that you lived your life on your terms. If ever. I’m going to guess it was before you got into the relationship at all.
There were hundreds of examples every day where you compromised yourself to keep the person you were with happy.
Where did it get you?
The great news is that compromise is a word of the past!
Living a life of compromise is something that you no longer have to choose, but it is a choice, it won't happen automatically now you are a free man.
This is because being free in your relationship doesn’t always mean being free in your thinking. Being yourself post-divorce means thinking for yourself post-divorce.
My Sofa Dilemma
I have spent the past 2 years in my new house with all the old furniture from our old house which we split after the divorce.
Would I have chosen them if I were single? No. Take the sofa for instance. There’s nothing wrong with it except it was never my choice of sofa to begin with. However, ‘nice’ and comfortable it was, hand on heart, it wouldn’t have been my choice. Yet here I am, 2 years later still sitting on a sofa, day in and day out that I don’t like.
So, here’s the thing. Why haven’t I changed it to something I do like? I can afford a new sofa, so why haven’t I changed it?
I haven't changed the sofa because my subconscious thoughts won't let me. My wife still won't let me even though we haven't been together for nearly 5 years.
The answer lies in our conditioning and ingrained habits formed during our marriages and relationships.
I haven’t changed the sofa because deep inside my brain is the ingrained reward of an easy life.
To my brain, the sofa equals an easy life. You see, in my married life, by agreeing to the sofa my wife wanted, when I actually wanted a different one my brain rewarded me with a subconscious message. The message was, that the sofa represents an easy life. This subconscious message still stops me from wanting to change the sofa. I don’t even consider the change because my brain is now hard-wired to accept the easy option ( the wife's sofa) and the reward of an easy life.
We need to break that conditioning and start to form new habits so that we live our lives freely on our terms and make our own decisions. It sounds easy and logical, but we are all really bad at it. Plus, it’s it takes time and practice. I don't use the word 'Hard" as what we think, we get. Think it's going to be 'hard' and you get 'hard'. Think 'easy' and you get 'easy'. This is just another trick our mind plays on us. Even if you think you are now free, I guarantee your thinking is not.
Let Go of the Past to be yourself
You need to let go of the past and start to open your mind to the huge and endless possibilities that are now available when you are single. Some things will be small, like not eating the same food or wearing the same clothes. Some will be big, things like changing jobs, moving neighbourhoods or even living in a different country.
When you start to free your mind of all the old thinking and habits the world is your oyster.
You may now be watching more TV, having a few more beers or maybe you even bought a new car, but have you properly let go of the old married you, and embraced being single?
What do you really want to achieve in your new life that you haven't already, because of your limiting thoughts?
Who do really want to be? What job would you love to have given a free choice?
This is your chance to think freely and think big.
Breaking the Habits of Married Thinking
We all have thought processes that we developed and perfected when we were married. These thought processes became habits over time. Some habits are good, while others are not good, they can also be detrimental when they become ingrained patterns that we struggle to break.
The way we think is just another one of our habits that we need to change, especially if we truly want to move forward in our new lives.
The Power of Habits
Habits are powerful because they operate on a subconscious level.
Whenever we engage in a habit, our brains release a burst of dopamine to a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and satisfaction. It acts as a reward for our thinking or habit.
This reinforces the behaviour and makes us want to repeat it.
To understand why we find it hard to break habits, it's important to understand the habit loop.
Cue :Routine: Reward
Cue:
A cue is a trigger that prompts the habit. It can be a person, a certain location, or even an emotional state. Within a marriage, it is often all 3. In a marriage, your wife always complaining you are lazy may be the trigger or cue.
Routine:
The routine is the actual habit itself. It is the series of actions that we perform in response to the cue. Always giving in to what your wife wants to keep the easy life is a very familiar routine you may have experienced in your relationship.
Reward:
The reward is the positive reinforcement that we receive from engaging in the habit or routine. It fulfils a specific need or desire and reinforces the habit loop. Your wife rewards you with an easy life plus the occasional bedtime treat if you're lucky. Your brain pats you on the back and rewards you with a dopamine hit.
During our married lives, we continually run our decisions through this hamster wheel of cues, routine, and rewards. Again and again, we try to keep our partners happy and our lives easy. Over time, often years this becomes ingrained into our thinking. It became second nature. It becomes a habit of making choices based on keeping someone else happy.
We’ve all been there.
Now we must make our choices based on making ourselves happy, not someone else.
Why Breaking Habits is Hard
Now that we understand the habit loop, we can see why breaking habits is not so easy. Especially this habit of free thought. When we try to change a habit, we often focus on eliminating the routine without addressing the cue and the reward. This is a critical mistake because the cue and reward play a crucial role in maintaining the habit loop.
Furthermore, breaking habits requires effort and persistence. Your brain will not start thinking differently unless you tell it to do so. It’s hard-wired not to. All of your previous life and thoughts have made your current thoughts and your future thoughts what they are.
This is because our past creates memories on which we rely to make every future decision we make on a day-to-day basis. In effect, your future creates your past and that in turn creates your new future.
It’s a never-ending loop you have to disrupt if you want things to change.
It involves rewiring our brains and creating new neural pathways. This process takes time and conscious effort, which is often why we find it so challenging.
Strategies for Breaking Habits
While breaking habits may be difficult, it is not impossible. By understanding the underlying habits, we can employ strategies to help us break free:
Identify your triggers:
Pay attention to what cues prompt your habits and try to find patterns. What stops you from doing something different in your life? Your wife may have left but are you free from things that remind you of the past? Photos, friends, places.
Replace the routine:
Find an alternative action that can fulfil the same need or desire as the habit. Try an alternative way of doing something familiar. Maybe do it in a different place or time of day, or with different people.
Rewire your brain:
Practice your new behaviour consistently until it becomes automatic. At least 30 days consecutively. Surround yourself with people and situations that encourage positive changes. New people bring new ideas and non of your old triggers.
By thinking about your day-to-day decisions and implementing changes you will be amazed at how much of what you do is still governed by your previous married past.
Breaking habits is a journey, and setbacks are natural. Be kind to yourself and stay committed to your goal.
Breaking habits may require time, effort, and patience, but it is within our power to change.
Now you are no longer married, independent thinking breaks the chains that hold you back. It allows you to explore ideas and dreams beyond your old thinking. When you think independently, you free yourself from the limitations imposed by marriage and open up a world of possibilities.
Embrace Curiosity
Curiosity is the foundation of independent thinking. Foster your curiosity by exploring different subjects, reading diverse books, or engaging in conversations with people from various backgrounds. Embracing curiosity allows you to see beyond what is presented to you and venture into uncharted territory.
Evaluate Your Beliefs
Take time to reflect on your beliefs and values. Understand where they come from and why you hold them. By thinking about your day-to-day beliefs and implementing changes you will be amazed at how much of what you do is still governed by your previous married past.
Are these beliefs truly representative of your thoughts now you are single? Have they been inherited or influenced by external factors from your married life? Maybe people from your past life are still influencing you.
Are you still thinking old married thoughts even though your actions may say otherwise?
Thinking independent thoughts is a powerful skill that empowers personal growth, creativity, and resilience. To truly move forward after divorce you must embrace curiosity, evaluate your beliefs, and practice critical thinking skills. By doing so, you unlock your potential to shape your reality, not live in your past life.
I dare you to think independently, let your thoughts soar beyond the boundaries of your past marriage and start to make new decisions, habits and a new life full of your dreams and aspirations.
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The future best me
Ade.