So why do women leave and have an affair?
Understanding the reasons behind a breakup is like trying to catch water in a sieve. It is the one question that haunted me for months after our separation.
After the total and utter shock, my first emotions left me numb with disbelief rather than anger or disappointment. That feeling of, maybe my life was playing out as some sort of parallel shit version of my once idyllic life haunted me for months.
Why was this happening to me and why did she feel that she needed to have an affair, played over and over in my head?
I am sure if you have gone through the same experience this is one question which will have played heavily on your mind.
Often, you may wonder why she chooses to engage in extramarital affairs instead of addressing the issues within your marriage. Surely taking the time out to try and resolve the issues occurring in her head and those leading to her actions would avoid the following trauma that divorce brings?
To answer this question, you must look at why affairs happen.
As difficult as it is to swallow, you may be to blame for some of the symptoms that caused the perceived need to stray and play away. Never though do I believe that her actions can be acceptable or condoned. She made to decision to have an affair not you. She or both of you could have pursued so many other options and actions. The list of help or options to resolve issues is endless.
Instead, she chose the oldest and easiest option in the book.
Cheating, in my opinion just shows a weakness in character.
One of the things that helps me sleep at night is that it wasn’t me who started sleeping with someone else. If like me, you are the cheated party then I encourage you to feel proud that you and your moral compass are truly aligned.
This is a small but important point as in time you will learn to keep your head high and be proud that you were faithful, and she was not. It's not a case of being superior or smug but you and everyone else will eventually learn the truth that she was morally out of line and the one being unfaithful.
Ultimately it was her choice.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. She chose the path of destruction rather than the path of reconciliation and rebuilding. Nobody else.
It’s a point that becomes easily lost over time and in the confusion of divorce and name-calling but one I keep coming back to when I doubt myself and my actions. Particularly my responsibilities too.
At the end of the day, you didn’t cheat. She did.
Why do Affairs Happen?
I have touched on the idea of the cause for affairs being totally separate from the act of being unfaithful.
I truly believe that the act of unfaithfulness is just a weakness.
An inability to be bothered to sort out issues in a relationship. Often a foolish misconception that life will be so much better with the new man.
We all know the saying about the grass being greener on the other side, but I like to add.
‘Its greenest where you feed and nurture it’.
It is a conscious decision based upon their selfish perceived needs, but I agree there are causes which may encourage their particular course of action. It is those actions you and I alike have so much difficulty in comprehending.
So what Causes Women to believe an affair is the right course of action?
Affairs are a manifestation of various underlying factors, and it is important to acknowledge that they can occur in any relationship, regardless of wealth, whether you have kids or your age.
Women seek out affairs to fulfil unmet emotional or physical desires, seek validation or companionship, or attempt to escape specific relationship issues and the reality of life.
Escaping Relationship Issues
It is natural for individuals to navigate difficulties within their relationships. However, women, like anyone else, may sometimes feel overwhelmed by challenges and seek solace externally. In certain circumstances, women may view affairs as a temporary escape from the issues they face in their current relationships to navigate their personal struggles independently. This escape is often ill-thought-out at best and at worst selfish resulting in catastrophic consequences for all involved.
Do they really think through what the resulting actions will bring? Do they ever consider any other feelings other than their own? Do they actually ever get the result they expected? I guess not. Even the newest shiniest toy at Christmas soon gets forgotten when the batteries run out and December the 25th comes around again.
Unfortunately, just like the lion who tastes meat for the first time and subsequently kills all he sees, there is no stopping their unfaithfulness. There is never just once. They will always be tempted if you take them back, normally lying through their teeth whilst it suits them before ultimately upping and leaving, taking you for all you have.
Communication Breakdown and Emotional and Intellectual Connection
It is fundamental for all individuals, including women, to feel emotionally fulfilled within a relationship. However, when current relationships lack the necessary emotional connection, some women might be motivated to search for that vital bond outside of their partnerships. My ex-wife cited a lack of intellectual conversation. How about yours? I bet she blamed you.
This desire for emotional fulfilment can propel some women toward seeking affairs to experience the connection that they long for.
Women seek emotional support and connection elsewhere but confuse this with a sexual need. In many situations, I believe this is just an excuse to justify a new, exciting sexual encounter.
If it was truly an emotional or intellectual need as it was stated by my ex then why the need to jump into bed with her boss! This point seems lost on her.
Looking back, I had advances from other moms and opportunities to stray but happily, I never did.
Media Pressures and Expectations from Others
Societal and peer pressure also play a significant role in influencing women's decisions regarding affairs. Don’t underestimate the sisterhood when it comes to her decision to be unfaithful or in her staunch defence and justification for her actions.
I will never forget the encouragement my ex-wife gave to another mom friend from school, to leave her husband. She described their new bond as “strong single moms united”.
I do wonder where that line came from. Modern media and woke thinking as an awful lot to answer for.
It’s difficult at the time but don’t take it personally. Their actions are weak and indefensible. They will pedal any rubbish, recruit anyone and say anything to justify their actions.
Affairs should be simplified.
Women's affairs should not be seen as anything more than the pursuit of personal satisfaction and self-fulfilment. Weakness in their ability to sort out the place their mind is at, and where the marriage has descended to.
I said at the beginning that we all have a role to play in the causes but only they have responsibility for their actions.
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Best
Adrian.