Spotting Depression in Divorced Men
The topic of spotting depression in divorced men is one that is very close to my heart and one that comes up daily in my new role helping struggling dads rebuild their lives. Whether it’s rebuilding financially, physically or emotionally the journey is reliant upon one thing. Understanding how to control what you think.
I can't remember a day since my divorce that I haven't come across men experiencing the same feelings I went through.
Anger, confusion, loneliness and worthlessness are just a few of the feelings I and many dads just like you will go through after separation and divorce. While it is normal to experience these feelings during and after a divorce, it is essential to be aware of the signs of depression that may arise during this time.
But when does this develop into depression and how can we spot it before it becomes problematic?
Whether we call it depression or not, being able to spot and deal with the emotional changes in our minds is vital if we are to move forward with rebuilding our lives.
For me, it was not something I had ever thought about before. I was a happily married man with a good life and future ahead so the idea and concepts around depression had never affected me before. Sure, I had heard stories of friends of friends becoming addicted to anti-depressants, but I had never really had to deal with it on a day-to-day basis.
It all changed for me after the initial shock of the affair and subsequent separation kicked in.
I can’t put my finger on what was changing but I knew something inside me was.
Looking back there were signs that I needed help but like thousands of dads before me, I ignored them and just soldiered on. This was a huge mistake and one that nearly cost me my life.
The harrowing stories of men talking about ending their own lives due to the supposed helpless positions they find themselves is what drives me to write these blogs.
So, when you are going through the dark times, how do you know if it's just a bad day or maybe it’s something more sinister that’s building? Maybe it’s a feeling you can't shake off. Maybe it’s something that’s changing your behaviour for the worst?
Depression and anxiety can start to show their faces in many different ways. Maybe you are experiencing changes in your daily routine, your moods or your thoughts.
With separation and divorce comes loneliness. Through no fault of your own, you may be struggling to find someone to share your time and thoughts with. It’s in these times you need to spot the signs yourself and then implement a plan of action.
In my experience, it’s no good waiting for someone to tell you need help, by then it’s too late. In fact, it’s rare they ever do and so it’s more important than ever that you spot it yourself
Spotting the Signs of Depression After a Divorce
Understanding Depression
Before delving into the signs of depression, it is important to have a basic understanding of what depression is and how it can manifest in individuals. Depression is a mental health disorder characterised by persistent sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. It can affect anyone but can be especially common among men during divorce.
Maybe, the question of whether you are or whether you aren't is something you are experiencing right now in your life? I started to wonder “Am I depressed” after my soon-to-be ex-wife moved out of the family home. That’s when things started to get real, and my mental health began to spiral. It culminated a few months later after struggling financially and emotionally I broke down in tears at our local Starbucks. I was standing in the queue and just burst into tears. I couldn’t cope and I knew it. There and then I knew I needed help. If I had been honest with myself, I knew it months before.
Are you at the edge of your Starbucks moment right now but won't admit it ? Do yourself a big favour and seek help.
Signs of Depression After Divorce
Persistent Sadness
Feeling extremely sad or empty most of the day, nearly every day, can be a sign of depression. This is especially true if you have been separated from your children as well as your wife. This sadness may not be entirely related to the divorce itself but can also result from various other factors associated with the separation.
Loss of Interest
Losing interest in activities or hobbies that were once enjoyable is a classic symptom of depression. After a divorce, you may experience a lack of motivation to engage in activities you once loved. Looking back, actually taking part in something that required brain power or interaction with others was what I call “free mind time’. The time your mind is spent occupied by other thoughts rather than the realities of the separation.
Changes in Sleep
Insomnia or oversleeping are common signs of depression. You may have difficulty falling asleep or experience sleep disturbances, while others may excessively sleep to escape from their emotions. This was the truth for me.
I looked forward to sleep as it was my only escape from the reality of what was happening to my life. Maybe the “why” question haunts you as it did me for so long. When I slept I could escape the never-ending question of why.
Low Energy Levels
Feeling unusually fatigued or having low energy levels despite getting enough rest can be indicative of depression. This persistent lack of energy can hinder daily activities and affect one's overall quality of life. It’s understandable to not want to get up and go all the time but if it becomes the norm then be aware that depression may be creeping in.
Decreased Concentration
Depression can impair cognitive functioning, causing difficulty in focusing, making decisions, or remembering details. Following your separation or divorce, you may find it challenging to concentrate on work or daily tasks. This again is not to be underestimated as soon you will have an unhappy boss to deal with along with the traumas of divorce. I lost all interest in work for around 6 months and ultimately got myself into all sorts of problems as I was self-employed.
Changes in Appetite or Weight
You may see this as a big positive but significant change in appetite, resulting in weight gain or loss, are signs to watch out for. I lost over 14 lbs in a matter of weeks due to just not wanting to cook or eat alone. At one point my doctor got so concerned he sent me for blood tests. The emotional distress caused by separation and the breakdown of your family can lead to sudden changes in eating habits, often as a way to cope with negative emotions.
Social Withdrawal
Withdrawing from social interactions and isolating yourself is a common behaviour among individuals experiencing depression after a divorce. Feelings of shame, guilt, or low self-esteem can contribute to this isolation. I know that I couldn’t bring myself to be amongst some of my oldest friends due to feeling ashamed that I had let my marriage fail. I felt dirty, as though everyone who saw me knew I was a failure. Daft, I know, but real at the time. As a result, I stayed in whenever possible. I cut myself off from friends and family and stopped doing all the things I enjoyed.
Hiding True Emotions
Instead of openly expressing your emotions, you may mask your feelings through anger, irritability, or even addictive behaviours such as drinking or drug use. We have all been there. While at the time your pain goes away the realities of the situation you are now in remain and often become worse.
Divorced and now reliant upon drink and drugs is not going to get your life back on track.
Here are some coping strategies that will help get you through Depression.
Seek Professional Help
If you are experiencing depressive symptoms, it is important to seek professional help. Your family doctor can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate through these challenging times.
I was lucky in that I was referred to a well-man clinic run in the evenings outside of normal practice hours.
Usually, my regular doctor couldn’t wait to pack me off with a prescription asap but at this clinic things were different.
I was listened to and given time to offload the baggage that I just couldn’t release anywhere else. I opened up for the first time in months. I cried and cried and cried.
Over the course of the next 30 minutes and some difficult but sensitive questions, it was deemed that I wasn’t clinically depressed just suffering from extreme anxiety. I was prescribed tablets to help with this. They weren't anti-depressants, as this was something I was dead set against, but they did go a long way to help me cope over the coming months.
Seeing a doctor was the best thing I could have possibly done. Just being told that you’re not going mad, not depressed and things will get better helped enormously.
Build a Support Network
This was a suggestion from my new doctor at the well man clinic. Reach out to trusted friends and family members who can empathize and provide emotional support. I chose to speak to my sister on the phone daily for more than 6 months. She rarely judged or gave advice; she just listened and gave me a platform where I could unload. I suggest you find someone who can be your ‘unload’ Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can make a significant difference in coping with post-divorce depression.
Take Care of Your Physical Health
Engaging in regular exercise, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough sleep are essential for maintaining good mental health. Focus on self-care activities that nurture your overall well-being. Hitting the gym is a bit of a cliché but it may fill many needs in your new single life. Keeping in shape will help your mental state and may even improve your future love life. Without wanting to sound like a saint, I now do yoga every morning along with taking up kickboxing classes that I do with both my children once a week. Win-win.
Engage in Activities You Enjoy
Finding solace in activities you enjoy can help alleviate a huge amount of stress and re-introduce you to old and new friends alike. The first thing I did when my mind was back in the game was to take my full motorbike test. I now have the greatest adventures all over Europe with a whole new bunch of friends.
Maybe there is something you have been dying to take up but have never had the time or encouragement. Well now’s your chance.
Final Thoughts
I know it’s tough.
Take the time to look at yourself and your behaviour. Don’t be ashamed to admit you need help. These are difficult times for you which right now feel like the end of your world. They will get better. You will get better. Do not ignore how you feel. There is always someone to help you deal with what you are going through.
I have been there done it and worn the T-shirt, proof that there is a brighter future awaiting. You can rebuild to live a better stronger life than you had before. It will be different but at the same time, it will be full of so many new and exciting possibilities.
Reach out if needed and see who holds your hand. You may be pleasantly surprised.
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The future best me
Ade.