Putting the Kids First.
Putting the kids first is of vital importance during a divorce.
Divorce can be a difficult time for everyone, especially for children. Too many men and women use their kids as bargaining chips and I urge you not to do the same.
Parents need to communicate with each other about their children's needs as well as their own during divorce proceedings. Even when communication is difficult it's important to find a way to negotiate and find what is best for your children.
It's important to remember that your children are not responsible for your relationship problems. Put their welfare first ensuring that their emotional and physical needs are being met.
However difficult things get or however unfair things seem, keep the kids out of earshot, and out of the bargaining.
We may be happy tearing lumps out of each other and having blaring rows but doing this in front of the kids will be doing damage. It's important to think about their welfare and put them first.
Communication is Key to putting the kid first
I’ve written about this in other posts, but I cannot stress how important it is to get along with your ex, even when she doesn’t appear to be playing by the rules. This is not only for your benefit but it’s vital for your kids too. Remember that you are in this for the long haul and one battle does not win a war.
Both parties need to make the decision not to argue in front of their children. If she won’t agree or continues to bring the kids into the argument by using them to gain an advantage, then walk away until she has calmed down or seen since.
It’s your choice how to react. Be the best that you can for your children. They will respect you for it in the long run and ultimately, they will know the truth.
I now have a fabulous relationship with my children despite what was said. They were not fools. They both knew what was going on and who was to blame without having me spell it out.
Going through a divorce is tough for all concerned so take time to talk to your kids and don’t let them go through it alone.
Spending quality time together having fun and doing family stuff will help bring you all together and them to deal with the impact better.
In the early days, I don’t think I did this enough. I regret it.
Even if communication is difficult, it's important to find a way to talk as there will be lots going on inside that they will not always show.
It's easy to become consumed with your own emotional needs. However, it's important to remember that children are not responsible for your relationship problems, you are. It's vital to put their welfare first. Ensure their emotional and physical needs are being met. Put your shit to one side and think about the kids.
Putting the kids first when Swapping over
If you are sharing looking after the children then one of the big questions is how to split the kid's time between the parents. Four days at dads then 3 at moms etc etc.
Well, having tried lots of different splits the best routine we managed to come up with and still use now is a 7-day swap over. It was suggested by friends who had gone through a divorce, and it had worked well for them, so we gave it a try. On the face of it,7 days sounds like an age, but it works well for the kids especially around school days giving continuity and balance.
It means we swap on a Friday afternoon after school and the kids spend a full week at a time with each parent.
We started by swapping on a Sunday, but this impacted the kids too much as the upheaval on a Sunday night coupled with the anxiety of school the next day, we found too much for them.
There is another big advantage of a Friday. Friday morning when they go to school, you are then free to head off for the weekend. If you swap on a Sunday, you always must cut short your weekend stays away. Remember, you will now have the freedom to do your own thing and going away is part of the fun.
The kids will also benefit from less change by doing a 7-day swap over. We tried 3 days then 4 days, but it gets confusing for the kids, schoolbooks and uniforms are never in the right place and worst of all, the kids just get settled in and then they get uprooted and sent back to the other parent. Our kids are much happier with the 7-day swap over.
We also found that holidays and weeks away are much easier to organise and don’t need too much shuffling of the timetable if any.
Your kids will thrive in this stable environment where they know where they are, and what is expected of them. Make sure they are maintaining their normal routines and that changes are happening gradually. Don't introduce new romantic partners or significant changes without having a conversation about the potential impact on the children.
Keep schedules consistent. Continue with school clubs and after-school activities. Create a plan for how you will co-parent. This is especially important when sharing childcare. Have regular check-ins with each other about how the children are doing.
It sounds obvious but make sure they have a comfortable place to live, with some of their things and familiar stuff. They will need spare sets of clothing at each house, if possible. Moving everything each time they swap houses will be a nightmare.
Get Support
Divorce is hard and no one should have to do it alone. If the kids are finding it tough, don't hesitate to seek professional help such as therapy or support groups. Support for yourself and your children can make the process smoother.
Divorce is an incredibly tough time for everyone. For children, this difficult time can be traumatic and have lasting impacts. Prioritising their welfare during a divorce should always be a top priority. Remember, the goal is to ensure that they are emotionally and physically as healthy as they can be.
Between you and your ex, you may have messed up your life, but it doesn’t mean you have to mess up theirs too.
If you would like to subscribe to my blog click the link below and as a thank you I will forward to your inbox My free 77-page book:
Relaunching Dads Mission Possible
Many thanks in advance and enjoy.
Best Ade