Top strategies for coping with divorce

A change in thinking coupled with immediate action is often the best strategy for coping with divorce.

This post concentrates on the mindset you need to survive the first few weeks of coping with divorce. Rather than the forms you need to fill in and the legal process you must follow, I will help dads with how they feel and the things that will help them cope rather than legal matters which I will cover in another post.

What I am offering is advice, not a to-do list. Read it and take some on board what you can.

From the moment you find out she’s been cheating or the moment she asks you for a divorce your world will never be the same again. Even if you sort of knew there was something up or she was acting strange, I can guarantee you were neither expecting the news nor prepared for it.

For me, it came out of the blue, like a bolt of lightning on a summer’s day. Rest assured that most of the men I have spoken to or helped say the same, “I had no idea”. Take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

Parents in France

One dad I coached, went to visit his parents in France for a week and when he got home the house was empty of all the family possessions. His wife had packed up and she had gone, taking with her the kids and cats. She had already set up a new house with a new man! Divorce papers were left on the kitchen table.

This dad is now one of the most sorted dads I know and now lives a better, happier, and more fulfilled life than ever before with no regrets or ill feelings towards his ex-wife. Imagine if you could achieve that!

Free from the pain

I’m telling you this story to inspire you to look beyond day 1 and visualise the future you, living a happy positive life full of abundance free from the pain that is killing you right now.

You are probably feeling a mixture of disbelief, denial, anger and shock, none of which are great emotional states to make any decisions from, but unfortunately, you must choose to do something. You have a choice of how you react. You are responsible for your actions, response-able. Her actions were shit, but it doesn’t mean yours have to be too.

React in a way she is not expecting. This will give you the upper hand and throw her off her guard. It will also make communication easier and get what you want rather than her dead set on making your life even harder than it already is. The day I stopped fighting with my ex-wife and started to be calm talking to her rather than verbally abusing her, was the day I started to get what I wanted.

Remember this wise old saying "The path to the enemy is best travelled out of site”.

You do not have to make any decisions or agree to anything at all at this stage. My advice is to carry on as normal in the household and let the legal process take over. It’s easy to agree to demands at this stage either to keep the peace or in a misguided way to try and win her back. Don’t. Be firm and hold your ground when it comes to making decisions regarding kids, money living arrangements etc.

Winning her back

Regarding winning her back, in my experience you have little or no chance of this happening or if you do it won’t last. If she tells you that ‘all the cheating is over’ then I almost guarantee you it’s not. Women very rarely switch off the feelings they have towards their new lover or change the reasons in their heads for doing what they did. They may say they have but it’s not true. In all probability, if they have decided to do this once they will decide to do it again. Their moral compass is obviously out of line and won't miraculously point true.

I knew of a couple, that over the years between them had 18 affairs behind each other's backs, most of them as revenge for the action of the other. Eventually, they split. Leopards can't change their spots and if she’s asked for a divorce, then I’m sorry to say, it’s over and you are best off out of it.

Emotions

You must take control of your emotions, stay calm and learn to look after yourself, emotionally and physically.

I lost over 14lb in a matter of weeks not from neglecting my eating but from worrying. Whilst some of you may relish that sort of weight loss it’s not good for your health physically or mentally. Make sure you eat healthy food regularly. Stay off the booze too. Getting drunk and angry will only get you a night in the local nick or a day in court. It’s in her interest for you to be the villain.

React in a way she is not expecting

React in a way she is not expecting. This will give you the upper hand and throw her off her guard. It will also make communication easier and get what you want rather than her dead set on making your life even harder than it already is. The day I stopped fighting with my ex-wife and started to be calm and talked to her rather than verbally abusing her was the day I started to get what I wanted.

Remember this wise old saying "The path to the enemy is best travelled out of sight"

It sounds very boring but start to keep a diary detailing your moods, and conversations relating to what she wants and how you are feeling. It will help you express some of your thoughts and stop them from being bottled up and also acts as a reminder later of things that happened that you may need to recall.

Divorce suicide

Going down the pub or round to your mates to get a possie together for a lynching might make you feel better, but this is divorce suicide. Stay calm and try not to look for an answer…. I guarantee there isn’t one and you will drive yourself insane trying to find it.

If possible, sit down and listen to what she has to say and is proposing and agree to sleep on it and discuss it again the next day.

You will probably be feeling awful, in shock and confused but you will soon be in a better position than if you lose it with her and demand answers. How do I know?  Because I’ve done it and it made things a ton worse.

You probably didn’t take any of my advice thus far but hell, I forgive you, your wife has just shattered your world.

But it's not about crying over spilt milk it’s about getting the mess cleared up and fresh milk back in the bowl.

Find Someone to Listen not Give Advice.

You must find a friendly ear that you can talk to that will listen. Maybe a relative, a friendly older person you may know or someone who would just appreciate the company. Anyone will do it if they listen.

They don’t need to understand, figure anything out or find a solution, they just need to listen when you need to “offload”. And believe me, to begin with, you will need to do this often.

Offloading your thoughts is the key to clearing your head and relieving the pressure you are under. Just having someone to call and cry down the phone to or to say all the crazy things in your head will make all the difference. Maybe keep you alive. You won’t be the first man to think about suicide.

If you can’t find anyone who fits the bill call the Samaritans help line and they will listen. Do it every day if you must as you will face dark days ahead and this contact will keep you sane and alive.

Try not to find your best mate or the bloke from down the pub as he will only tell you what you want to hear. I can guarantee any advice will be wrong and misplaced in the belief that it is helping you. It won’t. Even if he’s been through a divorce himself, that was his divorce and everyone’s circumstances, and journey are different. What worked for him may not work for you. Unless he’s moved his life forward, way beyond his former life why take advice from someone who hasn’t thrived?

You won’t be feeling much better anytime soon. Probably worse as the disbelief turns into a very painful reality, but I guarantee it gets easier day by day.

It's just a matter of thinking differently from how you might normally have. Acting on those thoughts and keep practising your new approach.

Questions in your head

You will have all sorts of questions in your head, some valid right now some not. My only and best advice is not to try and find answers as there aren’t any. She did what she did for her selfish reasons and what she tells you will be her version to justify her actions.

Even if you had the answers, you can’t change what’s happened, but you can change what’s to come.

Keep calm when you are with her and try to stay on speaking terms. If you fall out it will be 10 times harder, longer and more painful in the long run. I understand that it’s difficult especially if you have done no wrong, but she is leaving you for a reason, and she’s not going to change her mind because you got angry.

If you can afford it, then I suggest you get limited legal advice. When you contact a solicitor explain that you want only for them to carry out the legal requirements and your obligations.  Not negotiate on your behalf. You don’t need one at all if you feel you can represent yourself. It isn't that difficult with a little research and self-learning.

Solicitors

Solicitors are like vultures and don’t care about you only money. They encourage conflict and confrontation as this keeps them in a job and making money. Unless you have a small fortune to waste, I suggest you don’t bother. I went down the route of instructing a solicitor to act on my behalf in negotiations and believe me it just makes things worse and costs a fortune. I spent £24,000 in around 12 weeks on letters sent backwards and forwards and forms being filled in all of which I could have done myself. With months of further negotiations left and our feelings towards each other worsening I dread to think what the final bill could have been. Much of the new animosity was caused by the solicitors. If you have something to say to your ex say it face to face it’s much easier and cheaper.

More importantly, it annoys your ex when your solicitor sends another unrealistic demand. You might think it’s great at the time having her scream down the phone at you as she’s just received a letter from your solicitor, but you need to keep her on your side as much as possible, whatever you are feeling inside.

50/50 split

Court judges will start from the position of a 50/50 split and will always put the needs of the children first if there are any. They’re not stupid and in most cases, I have never heard of much deviation from this in either favour, unless there are unusual circumstances.

Even if she has a fancy expensive solicitor and you don’t, she can believe all the bull shit they feed her but the judge won't.

Even with an even split of everything, (eventually negotiated without solicitors), I believe my divorce set me back 20 years in terms of where I thought I would be and where I found myself aged 50. In today’s world, with so much uncertainty and so many economic problems, I calculated that to regain my wealth it would take longer than I have left on this planet ! Therefore I had to make some fundamental changes to my life.

It was, for this reason, I looked to the internet to relaunch myself and my future. Through self-learning, a willingness to change direction and a belief that I can achieve better I have transformed my current life and my future, not only for me but my kids as well.

Keep the kids out

Try to keep the kids out of it, especially at the beginning, they can be told more later but for now, you need to think about you, not your kids. It sounds selfish but you are the priority, and the kids can be part of the plans but don’t need to be the ones doing the planning if that makes sense. What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them, for now.

Don’t agree to leave the house or separate for now. Stay put and sort this out legally after speaking with your solicitor. Once you leave it may be difficult for you to return. I’m not a solicitor and the law can work in mysterious ways so think before you act and check before any rash decisions are made.

If needs be either you or her sleep in the spare room or on the sofa, the last thing she wants is you trying to cuddle up while begging her to take you back.

Change your future

I salute you for taking the time in bettering yourself and change your future. I know you are probably in a shit place right now, but it will get better and there is a great big shining light at the end of the tunnel with your name on it.

If you can reach within yourself, you will find a giant of a man who can overcome any obstacle put in his way. Even this one!! It's amazing what good can come out of divorce if we believe good will happen.

Did you want to be with someone who was unhappy with you and has such low moral standards?

I now know that I didn’t.

Divorce has opened opportunities in so many ways, ways I would never have imagined. I could never have seen the day when I was dating a beautiful lady nearly half my age, or that I would spend much of my time working from my holiday home on my laptop, or better still that I would be helping many men just like myself get their lives, money and future back on track.

Stay positive

Stay positive and focus on what you want next for you. She's made her decisions loud and clear. Let her reap what she has sown. Concentrating on the problems and the negative things happening right now will only make more negative things occur in your life generally not just at home. Concentrate on what you want next not what has happened. You can’t change other people’s minds... only your own.

When you move forward and create a better life, which she looks at with envy, your journey will be complete.

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Many thanks in advance and enjoy.

Best Ade