Right Person to Marry Second Time 

Choosing the right person to marry the second time around is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever have to make. After a divorce, it's understandable to want to rush into a new relationship. However, taking it slow and building a solid foundation is incredibly important. Spend time getting to know the person you're considering marrying.

The first time probably didn’t end how you expected or wanted but how are you going to avoid the same scenario the second time around?

First marriages start off all sweetness and roses. Think back to your own. Probably, it was one of the best days of your life and you never thought it would end. How wrong have we all been?

When marriage ends in separation, divorce courts and with families splitting up it can feel overwhelming. The feeling of loss is very real. My own separation felt worse than losing a loved one as there was no final act, no answers to why and to top it all there was a huge financial burden to cope with.

 

Needless to say making the wrong decisions the second time around would be foolish, to say the least.

As Ricky Gervase put it so well

“Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”

I do believe that all separations and divorces happen for a reason and not just a one-sided reason. Your wife did love you once, right? Therefore, it’s only fair to assume that either you, her or both of you changed over time. Fair?

For my part, I know in my relationship some boundaries of acceptable behaviour had been crossed, and for that, I hold up my hand. I wasn’t unfaithful but I failed to take responsibility for creating the loving environment that had once kept us so close.

In reality, we both had.

Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say 100% you are the same loving, attentive, ambitious stud muffin she once fell for and married? Agreed, she might have let a few things slip along the way too but right now we are looking at you.

If you have slipped only 5% then you have some responsibility for the actions that followed.

I am not saying their actions were right, acceptable or proportionate to the issues affecting your marriage, but they were a factor.

Women deal with problems on an emotional level. They seek an emotional response and emotional support for problems.

Men deal with problems on a practical level. They think practically and look for practical solutions to problems.

Being unable to communicate on an emotional level is the number one reason I hear for women having an affair.

They are not looking for the physical aspect of meeting someone new they are looking for the emotion you once shared when you both first met. The physical is just a bonus for many.

A new man, be it a friend or work colleague will say and be the ‘emotional man’ your wife is looking for if you are not stepping up to the plate. Now they are probably lying through their teeth but for now, the gap they are filling and the role they are playing is all your ex is interested in.

Once the stable door has been opened and the horse has bolted, it’s too late.

So why is all this relevant?

It is relevant so that you don’t make the same mistake twice!!

You can sit on your next date as happy as Larry thinking you have found the woman of your dreams. Just like the first time you met your now ex-wife. Gazing into each others eyes over a glass of champagne, thinking this time it’s the real thing.

You’re thinking

’This new lady in your life is so much better than your ex and your ex-wife was so wrong to do what she did, it was all her fault you split up’

Or, you can take that look in the mirror again, and recognise and accept your part in the breakdown, however small. And for fucks sake don’t make it again.

It’s not finding the right person the second time around.

It comes down to change.

Without change, nothing changes. We make the same mistakes, get the same results and end up with the same mess.

 

If you could have saved your past relationship and had your wedding day experience every day of your married life I bet you would choose it. I have news for you.

If you had changed your behaviour, maybe only slightly then maybe you would not be in the situation you find yourself in today. Your married life may have been one long wedding day.

Maybe it’s only a small change, or maybe it's bigger than you first thought. I am going to guess it’s bigger than you are prepared to accept. In essence, you are more to blame than you think you are. I know and accept I was.

Well, go ahead and do the same things all over again and watch yourself over time, getting the same results.

However much you think you are not to blame for where you are today in your life, I have some very sobering news

You are.

What you have and where you are today is a direct reflection of what you put in so far. Most divorced men don’t accept this truth but the ones that do make the biggest impact on their futures.

Our minds work like this.

Actions become memories are the basis for our future thoughts and actions. Therefore, if we want to have different futures we must change our past. This can only be achieved if we change our future actions and do not rely upon our past. One changes the other and visa-versa. Over time these future actions become habits and new memories trigger a new future.

Basically, if you don’t change, nothing will. Your past behaviour will become your future, and the results will be the same. Maybe played out over a different time scale in a slightly different way but broadly the same. If your relationship ended up on the rocks, however good it was in the beginning then so will this one.

Once you have addressed the changes in your life that you need to only then will it be possible to find and more importantly keep the woman of your dreams.

I have put together some thoughts on how you should look at your new opportunity and possible life.

The Right Person To Marry

Reflect on Past Experiences

Before jumping into a new relationship, it is important to reflect on past experiences and take time to heal emotionally. Understand the lessons learned from the previous marriage and figure out what you truly value in a partner. Take this opportunity to grow as an individual and discover what you want and need from a future spouse.

Think about the change in your own behaviour that needs to occur.

Define Your Relationship Goals

Once you've reflected on past experiences, it's time to define your relationship goals. Think about what you're looking for in a partner and what kind of relationship you envision for yourself. Are you looking for someone who shares similar values and goals? Do you want a partner who supports your personal growth?

Before you start searching for a life partner, take some time to reflect on what is truly important to you. What are your values, goals, and ambitions now you are single? Mine changed immeasurably after the divorce. Have you found someone who shares these same values and supports your aspirations? Understanding your priorities is key. Do you really want to share your house, bed and newfound freedom? Do you want a 24/7 day-a-week relationship?

Much to the annoyance of my ex, one of the first things I did once separated, was to pass my full motorbike test and buy a big bike. Subsequently, I have spent the past 4 years touring Europe whenever possible with the best group of guys I could ever wish to know. New cultures, places and best all friends whom I now could never compromise or give up.

Look for Compatibility.

Compatibility is crucial for a successful and harmonious relationship. I always went for looks first and interests second. Maybe this is why I ended up divorced age 52.

While some differences can be complementary, it is essential to find someone who has similar core values, interests, and beliefs. Consider your long-term goals and whether the person you are interested in is aligned with them. Not just do they look good on your arm.

Communication is Key

Effective communication is fundamental to any relationship. I went over this earlier in the blog. Look for a partner who actively listens, values open and honest conversations, and encourages your self-expression. Equally, you must do the same. Healthy communication is the key to resolving conflicts, building intimacy, and cultivating a strong emotional bond.

Shared Values and Beliefs

Shared values and beliefs can form a solid foundation for a lasting marriage. Identify what matters most to you - whether it's religion, family, or personal goals - and find someone who shares those values. Mutual respect for each other's beliefs will help create a strong connection and promote harmony in your future life together.

Emotional Compatibility

Emotional compatibility involves understanding and supporting each other's emotional needs. Look for a partner who can provide the emotional support you require, and who you can also support in return. Be very wary of the woman who is looking only to secure her future and doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Lust

It’s easy to fall in ‘Lust’ with somebody especially after you have had a rough time, so make double sure you are both in this for the right reasons, not just physical needs. There will be plenty of opportunities out there so don’t fall into the trap of falling for the first pretty girl who makes you feel good. Absolutely have fun but don’t rush in with the ‘I Love You Will You Marry Me’ speech.

If they are worth marrying and they feel the same about you it will happen, just give it time to make sure.

Remember, finding the right person takes time and patience.  Trust your instincts and don't settle for anything less than someone who brings out the best in you.

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Best 

Adrian.